The world might call it foolish to travel miles away from home, just to hold a dirty child and tell them they are beautiful. The world might call it foolish to save your money for over a year, just to have a couple coins to buy a pastry for a child or just to have enough money to have a never ending supply of stickers. The world might call it foolish to sit for two hours with a child reading books that I don’t understand.
But I’m not here to please the world. I’m not doing this for your approval. I’m not doing this to show you what a good Christian I am. I’m doing this because Jesus told me to love. Because He said that when we see those that are hurting and in need, we are looking into His eyes. Because as I learn to love the dirt encrusted families, I am learning how to love the clean shiny families in America. "Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’" ~Matthew 25:37-40 I’m not a Savior and that was never my job. My job isn’t to be the answer to their problems. God is their answer, God is their Savior, and God cares more about them then I ever could. But I’m called to humble myself and just love. I’m called to sit on the dirty floor and color with a child as their mother sit in a class and learns about her worth as a woman. I’m called to put a puzzle together with a child whose nose won't stop running because he has some type of flu. I’m called to hug that coughing child, even though I have no idea what he has and what I might get. I don’t mind eating crackers everyday if it means I can afford to travel across the world and hug a precious girl living with her five other siblings in a dirty house... Sometimes it’s easy to look at my privileged life with scorn. To wonder why I am so blessed, when others have nothing. To realize it’s a privilege that I, a 20-year-old girl, can save up enough money from babysitting and office work to pay for a trip across an ocean. The average salary in Bolivia is about $500 a month, and that’s only if you have a good job. That’s less than I pay a month for rent in Philadelphia...or, should I say, less than my parents pay for rent. It’s so easy to feel spoiled. To wonder what this life means. To wonder what it means that I can have 10 pairs of jeans in my closet and only wear 3 of them. But, God hasn't called me to judge and condemn my life. For some reason I was born in America. For some reason I'm in school to be a Physician Assistant. For some reason I am here, for such a time as this. God has a plan. God has it all under control. I realize that I need to honor God with all I am and all I have. It’s easy to be confused and to try to figure out the world. To try to understand all the injustices and inequality. But God never called us to do that. He only called us to seek Him and to hear and obey His voice. He guides people and leads them to lay down their lives. As we lay our lives down, He is able to use us. Maybe that means traveling to Africa or South America. Or, maybe it’s buying coffee for someone at Starbucks. Yea, that’s right, maybe its spending $7 for an overpriced coffee, to show someone that there is a God that loves them. "But that $7 is about 50Bs, and with that 50Bs I could buy a lot of food for a family in Bolivia." But we can’t think that way. Step by step we have to follow God’s leading. Follow His calling. We are not the ones to say what is just or what isn’t just. We are only called to follow after God. We need to block out the voices of the world and tune into His voice. I’ve gotten the chance to see a glimpse of the world, and I am hungry for more. But I am hungrier to see God’s people loved, to see His light fill the earth, and to obey His voice. If that means I spend the rest of my life living in Pennsylvania, serving the rich, then I need to be obedient and serve with joy. That isn’t what I want, but who am I to question what God’s plan for my life is. Who am to say what is the right way to serve Him. Who am I to say who deserves His love and who doesn’t. Yes, God has put desires and dreams in my heart. But no matter what, I want to serve Him. If they are my dreams and not His, then I want to be able to give them up. ... I've been in Bolivia for five weeks. In four days I will be returning to the States. As my time here draws to a close, I am learning how I will take the experiences I've had in Bolivia and apply them to my life at home. It's a weird concept to see those in poverty and think about how I will soon be back in my life of luxury. It's crazy to think about how I will return to University in 3 weeks. To think about how University in Bolivia is free, but many people still cannot go because they have to work to provide for their families. ... I don't know what all of this means. I don't know what poverty should mean to me and what my life of luxury should mean to me. But, as I said before, I don't think it should result in self condemnation or a hate of all things fancy. Instead of looking around in confusion at all the inequality in the world, I think I only need to look to God. To see what He says about all of this. To see what He wants me to do. To see where He is leading me. ...And that concludes this week's ramblings :)
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* Bonus journal entry for the faithful ones that check my blog even when I don't send emails ;)
I'm sitting here in my room, in Bolivia, thinking about life. I'm so thankful for the opportunity I have to be here. Is it worth it? Did I make the right decision? I think so. Today I sat in a dirty yard, on some hay, coloring with some little girls. Chickens walked by. A little puppy chewed on my dress. I felt such peace. Such joy to be there in the midst of a dreary situation, able to help put a smile on the face of children. To tell them they are so beautiful. To make them feel loved and special. Today was so good. But I still doubt. I doubt so much. I doubt that God cares. I doubt that God has a plan for me. I doubt that I will get to live my dreams. I doubt that I even have dreams. I wonder if I'm living the right life; if this is what I am meant to be doing. I wonder what my future will look like. This trip is so close to what I desire for my future, yet, it makes me feel even more confused about everything. I feel even more lost. The day before I left for Bolivia, I deleted my Instagram. I didn't want any distractions while I was serving. A couple weeks into my trip, I felt a little bored and a little lonely, so I downloaded the app again. Immediately my phone was filled with images of what people I knew were doing around the world. One friend was at the beach, another in Europe, another was eating ice cream, another was getting married, another had her first child... I felt so lost. Is what I'm doing meaningful? How does my life compare to those I see on Instagram? Does it matter? Should I be married with my first child by now? Should I have a boyfriend? Did I make a mistake spending my summer away from my family and friends, while everyone else seems to be enjoying theirs this summer? Have people forgotten about me? ... I sit here, listening to worship music, reminded of how good God is. I don't really understand much. I don't have life figured out. I know that God sees me and has a plan, even when I don't believe. I know that my future life doesn't matter, as long as I am seeking God and drawing closer to Him each day. I'm just rambling and venting. I just need to get my thoughts out and remind myself that God has it all under control. I know my life matters, and I know people haven't forgotten about me. I know that comparing my life to Instagram is stupid, which is why my wiser self deleted it weeks ago. I know that it is okay to feel confused and stuck sometimes. I know that God has a plan. Don't feel bad for me or anything. This post is really for myself. I just needed to remind myself of God's faithfulness. ... If you feel stuck, don't doubt. God is in control. Seek God. Don't seek a perfect life. Don't even seek your future. Just seek God. Stop comparing, stop looking at other people. Look to God. Thank you for following along with my journey. This week was really good. A couple times a week we go to the Arco Iris Hospital, which serves those in poverty. At the hospital we visit the children, those that are sick or have sick family members, and we give them toys and play with them. It's a really simple and humbling activity, but it's amazing to see the joy that it brings to the children. A picture book or a rainbow sticker is often enough to make a child feel special and loved. Last Wednesday, when we visited the hospital, I met a young boy named Christopher. He is about seven years old and is very sick. He has been fighting a chest infection that has led to infectious arthritis. That means, along with continuous coughing, he has extreme joint pain. That's a lot for anyone to deal with, let alone a young child. In addition, his mother wasn't with him because she had to leave the hospital to try to find money to pay for his care. So this little boy sat in his room all alone. What could I do? Nothing much. I'm not a Physician Assistant yet, so sometimes I feel helpless in these situations. But I remembered that showing love is a simple task that makes a big difference. So I carried some children's books up to his room. "Quieres leer?" I asked. "Si" he whimpered. So that's what I did, I read him some books. After each book he would say "otro libro", meaning he wanted me to read him another. Book after book I sat with him, butchering the simple Spanish words, reading to him the playful children's stories. Reading Dr.Seuss in English is hard enough, but reading it in Spanish was nearly impossible. But, despite my poor reading skills, he seemed to enjoy my company. After about six books he told me he was tired and wanted to rest. I told him that's okay, you can rest and I reminded him that God cares for him and is going to help him get better. He nodded and pointed to a cross hanging above his bed. I left his room feeling such love for him. I was reminded that before I can serve as a Physician Assistant, I need to learn how to serve with simple acts of love. I was reminded that God cares for His people and that he sees the little child alone in his hospital bed. He loves them so much. I couldn't do much that day, but I think the simple act of caring was enough. It showed me that loving others isn't difficult and can be as easy as taking the time to read a book or just smiling at someone. "Yo estoy enfermera, I mean, yo estoy enferma."
The last few days have been full of stomach pain and nausea. Not fun. Being sick is not enjoyable, but being sick in a third world country, without your family, is extremely not enjoyable. This week was pretty difficult. I spent many days laying in bed, contemplating life and sleeping. I even lost my appetite for a lot of foods. For example, the sight, smell or thought of bananas would make me nauseous (which, if you know me, you know that means something is seriously wrong haha). Today is the first day that I feel really really good. I woke up without nauseous and with an appetite. What a beautiful thing. Feeling so awful the past couple of days really brought my spirit down. I felt even more homesick and kept wondering if I was actually supposed to be here. How am I supposed to make it through two more weeks here, I wondered. Maybe I should just go home, I thought. But as I started to slowly get better and see the light at the end of the tunnel, I realized that I am here for a reason. I knew coming into all of this that I would be tested in many ways...but I don't think I realized how much I would be tested, or what that would look like. Yea, it's hard; living on your own, away from family and friends. It's especially hard being sick when you feel alone. But that's okay. It's okay that I've experienced this loneliness and this homesickness. It just makes me realize that doing this isn't an easy task. It showed me the reality of this life. Being a missionary in a foreign country is terrifying. It can be scary and lonely. I think I subconsciously always pictured it being laid back and even kinda glamorous. But that's not the reality. It's hard and difficult, but the rewards outweigh the negative. I greatly admire people who are pursuing a life of mission work overseas. It's so easy to think that their life must be amazing, but we often forget that they gave up a lot to do what they are doing. Week one and two were adventurous and exciting. Week three was real. This past week was filled with sickness and discouragement. Living here has become a little more normal and a little mundane. It's been more tiring. But isn't this the reality? Doing mission work will not always be exciting and fun, sometimes it's hard. But it's still amazing. My eyes have been open to how difficult this all can be, but I've been able to see the beauty through it all. I love serving. I love playing with children even when I am exhausted. I love organizing donations even if it gets boring sometimes. I love that everything I do can be used to glorify God. I'm happy. Even though sometimes I don't feel happy. I'm learning to lean on God with everything. I'm learning to appreciate my family and friends more. I'm looking forward to what these next two weeks will bring. I'm looking forward to what God has in store for my future. So yes, once again, thank you for your prayers and for caring about me. Life is going well, even if there are a couple bad days thrown in. God is in control and God is good. ... Also, if you don't get sick for a couple days, did you even really live in a third world country for a month? P.S. The Chipotle cravings are strong. I can't believe I've already been here for two weeks! The second week went so much quicker than the first week, which is crazy! I still love Bolivia, if you were wondering. It's really weird to me that I feel so comfortable here; it all feels so normal, like this has always been my life.
So a little about how I am doing...this week was actually kinda hard for me. The homesickness started to set in a little. The first week there was so much going on that I didn't have time to think about anything. I was bombarded by new experiences, new places, and new people. But the second week, things started to settle. I started to get into a groove, and I had a more time to think. During those times of quiet it really hit me that I was here, in a foreign country, by myself for 5 weeks. What?! Why did I do this? How did I even get here?! Guys when I tell you that God had a hand in all of this, I really mean it...because when I stop and try to understand how this trip worked out at the last minute, I truly cannot comprehend it all. It all still feels a little like a dream. Anyway, so yes I felt a little lonely this week. The thing is I'm surrounded by great people, new friends. But at the same time it's still a little hard because everything is so new. I miss the old, I miss the normal, I miss the mundane. I know crazy for me to say haha! Thankfully my family has always been there to talk late at night and to encourage me. They continually remind me that I am here for a reason. In addition, I have just been taking these times of doubt and loneliness to draw closer to God. I knew before coming here that this trip would stretch me in ways that I couldn't imagine. I also knew that if I stayed close to God, I would come out of this experience stronger in my faith. So yes, even though I've felt a little homesick and sometimes complain (my parents know all about that) I can't stress enough that I really am so thankful to be in Bolivia. I am so grateful for the opportunity to serve and I am so excited to see what God is doing with my life. Okay so story time: On Wednesday we got in a car and starting driving up the winding roads towards the mountains. I didn't really know where we were going or what we were doing...I don't really ask too many questions, I just kinda go with the flow. Anyway, wherever we were going, it was really hard to get there. Apparently there were strikes going on, and a lot of the roads were blocked. Eventually, after getting lost, missing multiple turns and backing down a steep hill, we arrived at the destination. It was a warehouse with people standing outside. I walked inside and the room was filled with food! Stacks of large bags of pasta, sugar, milk, oil, papayas, bananas, and oranges! We were there to distribute food to some of the poorest families in the area. What a beautiful surprise! I was stationed at the sugar stacks and gently plopped a sugar sack in everyone's bag. My leader told me that for many of the families, this was basically all the food they would eat for the month. Wow. We gave a lot of food to each of the families, but at the same time, I'm sure that it is really difficult to make it last for an entire month. The families were so grateful to receive food. It made me think once again about how privileged I am. How I never ever ever have to worry about food. How my pantry at home is super stocked. It makes me think about how it is a privilege to even have a choice in what you eat. When you are hungry you eat whatever you can. You don't pick and choose or complain. You don't turn your nose up at a plate of food. You eat, because you are hungry. It's a privilege to say that you don't want to eat something because you don't like it. It's a privilege for me to even say that I don't want to eat meat...because if I was really hungry and didn't have a choice, I would be thankful for meat. It's even a privilege to say that you are going to eat healthy. When you are hungry, you don't care what you are eating. You don't care about the calories in your food. You don't care if the fruit you are eating is organic... you are just thankful to have a meal. I'm not saying it's bad to try to eat healthy, or to not eat something if you don't want to. But it is a blessing. It's a privelige that many of us have, something that I never really thought about before. It makes me more appreciative of the things I have. It reminds me to put less emphasis on the things I eat and to think of those that don't have as much as I do. It reminds me to live a conscious life... although I'm not even completely sure what that means... Anyway... I just think we should be thankful for all those old cans of corn at the bottom of our food pantries. |
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