* Bonus journal entry for the faithful ones that check my blog even when I don't send emails ;)
I'm sitting here in my room, in Bolivia, thinking about life. I'm so thankful for the opportunity I have to be here. Is it worth it? Did I make the right decision? I think so. Today I sat in a dirty yard, on some hay, coloring with some little girls. Chickens walked by. A little puppy chewed on my dress. I felt such peace. Such joy to be there in the midst of a dreary situation, able to help put a smile on the face of children. To tell them they are so beautiful. To make them feel loved and special. Today was so good. But I still doubt. I doubt so much. I doubt that God cares. I doubt that God has a plan for me. I doubt that I will get to live my dreams. I doubt that I even have dreams. I wonder if I'm living the right life; if this is what I am meant to be doing. I wonder what my future will look like. This trip is so close to what I desire for my future, yet, it makes me feel even more confused about everything. I feel even more lost. The day before I left for Bolivia, I deleted my Instagram. I didn't want any distractions while I was serving. A couple weeks into my trip, I felt a little bored and a little lonely, so I downloaded the app again. Immediately my phone was filled with images of what people I knew were doing around the world. One friend was at the beach, another in Europe, another was eating ice cream, another was getting married, another had her first child... I felt so lost. Is what I'm doing meaningful? How does my life compare to those I see on Instagram? Does it matter? Should I be married with my first child by now? Should I have a boyfriend? Did I make a mistake spending my summer away from my family and friends, while everyone else seems to be enjoying theirs this summer? Have people forgotten about me? ... I sit here, listening to worship music, reminded of how good God is. I don't really understand much. I don't have life figured out. I know that God sees me and has a plan, even when I don't believe. I know that my future life doesn't matter, as long as I am seeking God and drawing closer to Him each day. I'm just rambling and venting. I just need to get my thoughts out and remind myself that God has it all under control. I know my life matters, and I know people haven't forgotten about me. I know that comparing my life to Instagram is stupid, which is why my wiser self deleted it weeks ago. I know that it is okay to feel confused and stuck sometimes. I know that God has a plan. Don't feel bad for me or anything. This post is really for myself. I just needed to remind myself of God's faithfulness. ... If you feel stuck, don't doubt. God is in control. Seek God. Don't seek a perfect life. Don't even seek your future. Just seek God. Stop comparing, stop looking at other people. Look to God.
1 Comment
Jennifer De Barros
6/22/2016 10:29:34 pm
I hear you and I feel you. And sweetheart I have news for you - it's ok to have doubts - older and stronger Christians do too. And you are on the right track - seek God in all things. You still have so much more time ahead of you. Also reminisce on how God has worked in your life and in the lives of those you love and that helps to realign your focus. It is our experiences that strengthen our faith and as our faith is strengthened, the doubts are not as bewildering, Thanks for sharing from the heart. Mucho hugs.
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